Happy Birthday To Me!
This Sunday is my 24th birthday! That for me is a big thing.
I am going to let you in on a little secret, a dive into my mind. I love my birthday, but I have had those nasty little thoughts and wonders if I was going to make it to this one. That was more towards the beginning right after the first surgery. I got a little depressed right after the surgery, the monotony of having to rest and lay in bed, then the steroids, then the everyday chemo pills and radiation. It was really hard. At that point I couldn't drive or do many things. I felt trapped. And the nasty thoughts grew to an almost consuming state that made me act like a bitch towards someone I love very much.
I don't think this way now. I was able to focus on other things and realize that I was not trapped or anything. I focused on going to yoga, and then to the gym. I enjoyed doing work for my dad and was excited to go back to school and sign up for classes. But those thoughts are always in the back of my head, little spouts of negativity that constantly ask which birthday will be my last.
That is not the way to think. Negativity does not have a place in my life. I have worked too hard and fought harder to make it to where I am and where I am going. I tell people everyday that I won't let my cancer control me, I control it. And that is harder some days than others. But i try to live my lit that way. My cancer is just a roadblock that I have to climb over and then kick violently to the ground. That's my goal, my birthday wish.
And as I make that birthday wish I get to go shoot zombies in the dark with paintballs! death to the walking dead!
I am going to let you in on a little secret, a dive into my mind. I love my birthday, but I have had those nasty little thoughts and wonders if I was going to make it to this one. That was more towards the beginning right after the first surgery. I got a little depressed right after the surgery, the monotony of having to rest and lay in bed, then the steroids, then the everyday chemo pills and radiation. It was really hard. At that point I couldn't drive or do many things. I felt trapped. And the nasty thoughts grew to an almost consuming state that made me act like a bitch towards someone I love very much.
I don't think this way now. I was able to focus on other things and realize that I was not trapped or anything. I focused on going to yoga, and then to the gym. I enjoyed doing work for my dad and was excited to go back to school and sign up for classes. But those thoughts are always in the back of my head, little spouts of negativity that constantly ask which birthday will be my last.
That is not the way to think. Negativity does not have a place in my life. I have worked too hard and fought harder to make it to where I am and where I am going. I tell people everyday that I won't let my cancer control me, I control it. And that is harder some days than others. But i try to live my lit that way. My cancer is just a roadblock that I have to climb over and then kick violently to the ground. That's my goal, my birthday wish.
And as I make that birthday wish I get to go shoot zombies in the dark with paintballs! death to the walking dead!
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